After recovering from the blacklisting I experienced from my son last weekend I thought that we might be onto something. Coincidentally while reading How Children Learn by John Holt, the author outlines some situations similar to the one that we had happen.

It was becoming clear to us that our son needed to feel that his time with my wife wasn’t threatened in order for him to not feel the need to be clingy. So all this past week I did my best to give him space and not make it seem as if he was going to be forced to spend time with his father and taken away from his mother. You see he had become sensitive enough that in some situations he would think this was going to happen even if it wasn’t going to.

Even though I was very careful this week there were still mornings when he would wake up and give me the Papa no! However most of the time I found that he would come to the office here at home and want to show me something or tell me something without me having called him or his mother having sent him. Although he had done this in the past it was an infrequent occurrence and this week it happened more often.

The best part of all of this is I can think of at least four occasions in the past week that I received unsolicited hugs for my son. Needless to say this is very rewarding for me as his father and also the first time I think this has happened.

What I find in learning more and more is that it comes down to space: whether he’s playing, trying to learn a new skill or simply being curious with things around the house he is at the age now – 23 months – where he wants to explore things on his own and he has no problem asking us for help. Well that is not true sometimes he does get frustrated, but most of the time the answer is to give him the space to figure it out on his own and wait for him to come to me.

The downside to this is that perhaps my wife has had to spend more time with my son, and as most people know mothers are the most overworked people on the planet. With any luck maybe Alex will learn that being with his father doesn’t mean that he is unable to be with his mother.

For posterity and humor, I thought it would be worth posting this.

We have some images rotating on a few computers in our house and sometimes the photos from our holiday to Florence come on-screen. At some point an image of David came up and Alex, my son, pointed at the screen and said Papa. Certainly he was referring to my finely chisled, young and muscular body (I kid). Anyways, it was good for the ego

Then this morning we’re going thru his box of food (more on that later) when he looks at his box of Simpson’s crackers, points at Homer and says Papa.

I’m not sure how to take that last one! He’s not seen the Simpson’s before so he doesn’t know Homer is the father, and I’m not nearly as bald as Homer…

Fun times…

So my wife has been sick for the last few days and I took some time away from work to be with my son. We had a blast heading out on his bike to the post office, several different parks and spending some time watching an excavator clean out part of a street they are rebuilding near home. At the end of the day I was on the receiving end of some unsolicited hugs which was really cool.

But by the end of the second day – which saw his grandfather come over and help out – I was informed with a Papa No! that I was persona non grata. This carried over to yesterday.

This morning the first thing he said as he walked out into the hall was Papa No!

What to do?

I decided to not say good morning to Alex and let him do his thing. He and my wife headed to the living room while I chilled out in the kitchen reading. At some point he came over and offered me a candy, which was nice, and at the moment I’m still staying out of the way. I’m not sure if it is something that happened over the last few days (although he says that he is not mad at me) and I have a feeling that he was missing his mother and perhaps getting a bit jealous. Hopefully giving him some more space and time with his mother will smooth this over…

Update: Just this moment he ran over to the office to show me something they are doing in the living room, so it looks like this is working out and perhaps the right way to handle this (this time!)

Update II: I was just allowed to carry him around and tour the laundry room. The laundry machine – which he has filled himself and turned on before and watched it wash – scares him today.

Update III: Alright, this ended pretty well. He spent some time with me while his mom rested and this went okay. We played and I gave him space to do his thing, but I did have to use an intermediary for much of the time (a Pocoyo puppet). Happily, after Mom woke up and we all went shopping, Alex and I took off to the park and had our usual good times at the park. I was on the receiving end of some spontaneous hugs and we boogied to some music that was playing in the park. We’ll see how the sitch is tomorrow, but after a day and a half of him closing his bedroom door on me and starting the day with Papa, no! it was very nice to get back to normal.

I’m certain that giving him his space with his mother and us not talking together too much while together with him allowed him to feel that Mama was his and only his again, and this allowed me to get back in the picture. Quite an experience! Take care when balancing the father/son relationship in between the mother/son relationship.

Okay, I’ll admit it: at first taking my son to a toy store seemed like a great way to engage him for a few hours one day when it was way too hot to be outside and my wife needed some downtime.

What I discovered in doing this was that taking him to a toy store for a good stroll is not only a great way to spend some fun time with him and give his mother a solo break but also an effective way to see where his interests and skill levels are with the toys that are available. This also serves as a nice alternative to beach and pool during the heat of summer and also wind and rain of the winter.

We have several big box shops close to us and one department store where they are pretty lax about letting kids grab a toy, sit down and have a play. We’ll saunter in – Alex has an I own this place kind of saunter these days – and start from one end and work to the other if we have the time (in Spain these stores tend to be U-shaped so that you have to walk past everything to get out). I’ve found that he will get attached to something for a little while until he finds something else and when it comes time to leave he normally doesn’t want the whole store but one or two toys, if any.

What is cool about this is that we get to see how he interacts with certain toys and bikes and other kiddy things and it gives us a real idea of what he is interested in.

A great example is these plastic motorcycles that you see around. When a kid pulls up with one of those in the park, Alex loves it. Take him the toy store though, and nothing. He likes tractors, show him a tractor… Nah, not interested.

So we just follow him around the shop, answer his questions and keep him out of trouble. Ironically in the end it has saved us money too because there have been a few things we thought to get him – like the motorcycle – that he simply blew off.

Yesterday morning I was up early, did some work, walked the dog and prepared some food to take my son to the park for our morning time together.

When we arrived we did the usual feed-him-the-grapes-on-the-swing thing, after which he played around on a few other pieces of park furniture before setting on a thing that is basically a round pole with a seat on top. This device lets them sit on  the seat and be spun in a tight little circle. Why this is fun, I have no idea, but Alex was into it.

At some point he decided he wanted to share in the fun and invited me up to sit with him. I was honored for sure, even if spinning isn’t a great way to keep breakfast in its place. Anyways, I sat on the seat and popped Alex on my lap. He’s just a month short of two years old at the moment so we both fit rather well. We did a few sessions of short spinning with rests in between. He loved it, I was dizzy.

The right place at the right time

At some point during the fun, as we were resting between spin sessions, a water truck was passing the park and we could hear it on the road about 20-30 meters away, across some more toys, a footpath and thru the fence of the park. As the truck neared a traffic circle, some sort of air brake let out a loud-ish Pffft! At that moment I had my hands around Alex’s belly, and felt his diaphragm fire downwards as his body locked down his spine in the same manner as one might do just before jumping or lifting a heavy weight.

This reaction was more or less completely internal; no arm movement or other indicator of being suprised or scared and had I not had my hand on his tummy I would have had no idea of his reaction.

In his shoes

To put myself in his shoes, he maybe has no idea yet that the sound we heard was a truck. He certainly wasn’t paying attention to it as I was when I saw it nearing the traffic circle. For a little guy who is unable to identify the pattern of sounds as something that is harmless – in addition to being in a phase where he seems to be scared of many things – this was a surprising if not scary situation. And had I not been where I was I would have had no idea because his reaction was internal and very subtle.

Fear

Apparently all kids go thru a phase of fear after the amazing fearlessness they show when they are quite young. Alex has been scared of plants, trees and flowers for a while now, always approaching them cautiously to say hello. From his point of view he has no idea that a plant is harmless, much less the plants in the park and on street boulevards that move from the wind (even more frightening).

We have been able to get over the household plant fear thru the use of an intermediary – his stuffed animal dragon who was also afraid of house plants at one point. Once we explained to the dragon about plants and that they are our friends and not bad or scary, then Alex began to warm up to them too.

Parenting the fear

The thing I try and keep in mind is the thought does he have an experience with this yet? Has he had an interaction that he remembers that was safe, comfortable and allowed him to get to know whatever we are encountering at that moment? If not I try to leave him his space to explore while also being available for when his little hand reaches out for support.

It is an adventure that will eventually pass, but for now as a father I find it fascinating to try and understand what he is experiencing out there.

My wife and I spend a lot of time with our son. Strange, I know. Not only are we (or one of us) always with him, but we are always with him; engaged with him, not listening to our ipod while he plays or we walk in the park, not trying to do something else while we are with him. With this has come some interesting issues.

Oftentimes while we are hanging out this familiar situation happens: toddler tries to learn a new thing (say, spinning a top) and after a certain amount of time, we feel we should show him how to do it. At this point, if we are being mindful we can catch ourselves and see the impulse to help arise and then let it fall. This doesn’t always happen and I have noticed that lately Alex is asserting himself when he feels we are getting into his business.

While it is helpful that he is asserting himself and assisting us in being mindful of letting him do things on his own, the message this sends – either now or when he gets old enough to read it like this – is one that says “here son, I am bigger and more talented at this, let me show you how to do it”. That’s more or less what we are implying, and Alex has fed me some “Papa no!” on more then one occasion when I have become too “helpful”.

Putting myself in his shoes, I will ask when I need some help (and he does). I may get frustrated and throw the toy across the room, but still there is no need to step in until I ask.

My wife and I are both slowly learning to let go of our impulses to “show him how it is done” and let him have at it. I’m sure he can’t wait until we’re better at it.

So I did it again today. I took action that involved my son without communicating with him first. In this case I should have seeked his permission before taking action. Luckily I didn’t get in trouble for it.

We have in our living room the ubiquitous Ikea table (see image) where we spend time during the day partaking in various activities like playing with play dough, assembling and dis-assembling toys and also coloring. We have washable crayons and so we just draw right on the table and chairs and wash it all off with warm water when we run out of space.

This morning I wanted to sit in one of the chairs. As the chair had been colored from top to bottom, I went for a cloth to wipe it clean while Alex was playing with some other toys in another part of the living room. I began wiping the chair down without asking him if it was okay to do so (it is his table of course!) and when he saw me he came running over (23 months old at this point). He said Papa! and to my relief proceeded to tell me who drew what on the chair and allowed me to clean it off. I was thankful that he wasn’t attached to whatever had been drawn on the table. Regardless what I had done was disrespectful to my son. They were his drawings on his table and chairs; imagine if he came over to my computer and deleted some blog posts?

I don’t find it easy sometimes and really have to be mindful as my reactive actions are clearly still in the “I’m the adult, you are the child, I am the boss” way of thinking… I need to keep in mind to ask permission (which I did to change his diaper this morning).

Permission parenting: get their permission before taking action with anything related to them! I’m certain that it will be vital to building a relationship of trust and mutual respect.

So for almost two years now we’ve used breast feeding to help get our little guy to sleep. Some recent reading, including the Aware Baby, has taught us that our little guy may be using the nightly feedings for not only comfort to get to sleep but also to help repress pent up emotions from the day and his past.

After a little mom/dad discussion this afternoon while Alex was with his grandparents, we thought that it may be a good idea to stop this from happening. There’s a lot more to it then what I am writing here and I will get to it once I write more about the Aware Baby. Anyways, when we got back home Alex was playing with his grandparents. After some time together they had to head home and said their goodbyes. Alex shut the door but it turns out he wasn’t sure that they were leaving. We could still hear them in the hallway so we let him out to run and see them, but he got there just as the elevator door was closing.

He lost it.

It was late, and he spent a good 10-15 minutes crying at our front door. We had closed the door so as not to bother the neighbors and I locked it as he knows how to open it. This made me a bad person and he got even more upset.

I think both my wife and I were happy that he was letting this out instead of just getting angry. Granted, he was tired and probably a little cranky too, but after bringing him to the bedroom – and him telling me to leave – he cried a little more and then there was nothing but silence. I thought my wife had given in and started to feed him but when she came out she told me he simply fell asleep!

He hasn’t done that in maybe 6 or 7 months, and it was a great relief. On one hand, she didn’t have to deny him milk to go to sleep, we did say no to milk for dealing with the issue with his grandparents leaving but that is something we have been weaning for a while now. As I type this the door across the hall is open and he is fast asleep.

We’ll see how this is in the morning. Hopefully this is how we have read it would be: a release of emotion and a satisfying sleep with less tossing and turning then what we used to have.

Update: So its been about a week now and we’re still working this out. We haven’t been able to get him to bed without feeding since what I related above, but my wife is weaning him off of milk during those episodes where he wakes up at night. Instead of feeding him back to sleep, she gives him a bit of milk and then tells him that he has had milk, time to go to sleep. He complains a little (cries, rolls over etc) and then falls asleep. Slowly but surely we are getting there.

On the heels of The Haircut: Toddlers and Barbers don’t Mix, a post about something similar: nail clipping!

It turns out many babies and toddlers do not enjoy nail clipping either, and my wife and I have suspicions that it may be linked to the fear of the why are you removing part of me? kind of thoughts.

When Alex was a baby I was able to distract him by whistling, and in the end it was this distraction that I used to trim his nails. He still wasn’t happy about having them cut and I’m sure he wasn’t pleased with me doing it (i.e. not great for the relationship).

Lately, my wife has taken to explaining to him that the nails will grow back and how he needs to have them cut so he doesn’t scratch himself (rubbing eyes etc.) and they don’t break etc. Sometimes this wins him over.

But is this coercion or negotiation?

It depends on your approach. To avoid coercion or negotiation you explain it to him and need to let him say yes. Letting him say yes is the key; you aren’t telling him “we are going to cut your nails and this is why” its asking him “this is why we need to cut your nails, can we do it?”.

The former uses your power as a parent (bigger, authoritative) to tell him what is happening, the latter allows him to accept your proposal. If he says no, we have found that it is best to ask why (do the clippers scare you?) and then let it go. You now have a himt of something to work on for the next time you try to cut his nails.

(Don’t miss the update at the end of this article)

Our son has had two haircuts. The first time he was about a year old and sadly the experience didn’t go well. He had already been to the barbers – conveniently located right next door – with me as I had my hair cut and so it wasn’t his first time in the shop. But he cried. Hard.

Happily the second time down went much better. My wife went with him this time and I was quite surprised to learn that he let them use not only the clippers but also the hair dryer. My wife had done some work on the latter, getting him used to it here at home while she dried her hair; on occasions he even goes and grabs it from the cupboard to play with.

So now that his hair has sprouted some more it is about time for his third haircut. He’s now a month short of two years, and can string together sentences/ideas mixing sign language with Spanish and the very odd drop of English. Several mornings this past month have seen us downstairs for breakfast at the bakery, stalking the very popular street cleaner when it passes by and asking him if he would like a hair cut. Sometimes over breakfast he says yes but once we’re done it is a solid No!

Today we had a good talk with him about why. He was quick to sign that the clippers (hand over head with vrrrrrm sound) scared him. And then he motioned scissors over his head and made a schip schip sound indicating that also scared him.

It is interesting that this scares him now but didn’t the last time. Maybe it won’t be an issue once the cut starts, but why is this so scary?

Put ourselves in their shoes

Imagine for a minute you are a little 2 year old boy or girl and some stranger comes along and starts removing parts of your body with a strange noisy machine and a pair of scissors, and all the while your Mom and or Dad are looking on, maybe even trying to get you to stop crying. This scenario is one that I have seen unfold in the barber shop, and also one that my wife and I have had at home when cutting Alex’s finger and toenails (albeit minus the stranger).

From their perspective you are removing something that is theirs; I’ve even heard this argument to explain why they don’t like to get their diapers changed. Something like: I’ve made an effort to make that pee and poo and you want to take it away? NO!

Seen from their shoes, having a stranger use a machine on their head – sometimes in places where they cannot see it (think back of the head) – and having this person remove their hair (hey, it’s mine!) all the while people look on and even try to distract them from the horror can be too much.

We’re taking him down today to watch them use the clippers on someone else’s head, and explaining how he’ll be able to make a spikey hairstyle like his father once his hair is short enough. Once we can associate the joy of playing with/styling his hair with haircuts and get him comfortable with scissors and clippers, we hope he’ll enjoy getting his hair cut.

Update: So here at the end of the month, more then two weeks later and we still haven’t had the third haircut. Alex seems to be going thru a scared phase lately (he’s just turned 23 months). Things that did not scare him before, such as the juicer and the laundry machine, do now. Needless to say this carries over to the barber shop.

Update II: Well, it finally happened. The other day I had to go and get my haircut so I asked Alex if he wanted to join me and come down and watch as I had my haircut. He said yes.

So we all went in, and I sat down in the barber’s chair and Alex and my wife sat in another chair to watch me as I start getting my haircut. At this point, the two hairdressers started suggesting that Alex get his haircut and talking to him trying to convince him to cut his hair. We had to stop them and explain to them, what we’re trying to do. That is, letting him watch me get my haircut and then decide on his own if he was ready to get his haircut. This was a bit new to them.

Eventually my wife got up with Alex, and they walked over to the open barber chair. He wasn’t very interested in sitting in the chair on his own, but he was okay with sitting in my wife’s lap and getting his haircut… and thus it began. He let them use the Clippers and the scissors on his hair and he did not cry a drop.

Once it was finished I was happy with his new hairstyle and hairdressers were surprised with how smooth it went. Now, what we are doing to ensure that his next haircut happens a little sooner and just as smooth as this last time is reminding him every day about his haircut, how well it went and how cool his new hairstyle is.